Consent is Everything (and then some)

I have been ruffied, assaulted, raped, molested, micro and macro aggressed against and otherwise violated.  Most times by people that I knew and trusted.  As I look back on my healing journey from these atrocities, what refuses to heal and remains a gaping trauma, is that for many of these instances; had they asked, there was a good chance I would have said “yes”.  Knowing that the “fun” was in the power and control of taking something from someone is what causes my continued struggle with “trust” and even self worth in terms of healing.  Why was I not worthy of respect by way of asking consent?  

I will be so bold as to say that had they asked, I probably would have added a little spice on top, as is my way in healthy sexual encounters.  Instead, we all come up short.  The karmic ripple of violating an innocent person and that person being a vessel holding the shame of not only having been violated as if it was their fault but also the shame of that perpetrating person’s unhealed trauma resulting in their assault on an otherwise innocent individual is deep and holographic.  Look at our society.  Narcissism is at an all time high, especially in men (especially containing fragile egos).  It is prevalent in women as well, and especially so as the workforce becomes more equitable. This means that women are taking on more positions of power, hard earned by embodying masculine energy and wearing the “pants”, or rather “pantsuits” in the office, and in their home relationships as well by way of domestic divisions of labor.

I am perfectly happy with the change in paradigm that once relegated women to being veritable cum dumpsters for unhealed men. I just wish that the change in leadership made room for softness and feminine energy versus merely placing women in their masculine energy in positions that were historically "male" driven and dominated. Many of those positions are defined by ego breeding narcissism and are rarely supportive of a woman's dual desire to both be a boss/president/CEO/etc and a parent. Why is there shame in breastfeeding in the boardroom?

As a woman of color, my body has been and continues to be the vessel for much of society’s shame.  I have a bi-racial child (British White and African American) whose abusive father refuses to financially support or be present for - once going so far as to tell me that he was not going to pay for my vacations - after being mandated to pay all of $200 a month.  Correction, he was mandated to pay $100, he offered to pay $200 realizing the absolute absurdity of that amount - but pays nothing; so what was the point? That amount does not even cover gas to my son’s school and back in a month.  I feel that everywhere I turn, there are attempts to take something away from me with some sordid justification that I am undeserving, even if that something is my dignity and ability to choose actions done against me.  

I realize that rape and violation are not relegated to the black body, and I have recently had someone gaslight me by saying ‘sometimes you get the shit end of the stick and that is just how it goes’.  I do not condone a “victim mentality”, but nor do I condone invalidating a person’s experience based on the notion that tragedy is universal, at times unavoidable and therefore equitable.  Something that can happen no matter who you are.  The fact that over 85% (it was worth doing the math) of violations were at the hands of white males, seems to not be of concern or a pitiable fact.  Saying that to endure these violations is just simply getting the proverbial “shit end of the stick” (which ironically was literal in at least one encounter) is like saying that these instances were an act of God, instead of malicious and calculated perpetrations against a woman who had/has virtually no power or voice in a system that “they” created and control.  

Again, my vagina is “equal opportunity” in that I do not discriminate based on age, race or gender as long as there is desire and consent on my part.  I am left now with a lot of anger and a lot of “demoralizing” sexual fantasies that I am not sure are mine, or if they are energetically left by those who have stripped me of my dignity during those sordid sexual, sexualized or engendered encounters. I am left wondering if my fantasies are a way of “accepting” their treatment of me by way of delusional thinking that these were latent and laid dormant in me all the long (I liken it to Blacks reclaiming the “N” word but as a result of internalized racism instead of empowerment), or perhaps, it is some form of conditioning or desensitization technique so that the next time, it will not even register as a violation.  

Maybe the two are not mutually exclusive. I have spent a lot of time re-parenting myself from past traumas which includes reworking old situations and making different choices in present time.  What, if anything, can I gain from re/enacting these fantasies?  Who could I trust to usher me into the hallowed halls of vaginal healing if I am currently too unhealed and scared to open myself up to a loving partnership by way of dating?  Is there a therapist for this?  Certainly not licensed.  I condone sex work as a mode of healing for both giver and receiver; but this to me seems nuanced and needing to be dealt with delicately lest more damage be done.  At least I no longer hold shame of the belief that I am at fault for this violence aginst me, but still there is a nagging unscrupulous curiosity about this 'debasement turned desire'. A sado-masochistic cock coaxing me further down my own rabbit hole.

I certainly would not want to re-work any of these sexual encounters with past perpetrators, but who in their stead?!  Maybe the answer does not lie in the vagina, but in these inquiries.  Evenstill, as I write this in search of some catharsis and closure, there is an intensifying tingle in my loins that belies any lasting healing in this written post.  It tells me to take the healing “off-line” and "off-script" and to find its home to nestle in my very physical form; to find a ‘Penis of Penitence’ to plug the gaping wound of my misplaced, misshapen and yet shameless desires. #nofilter