Sober Furious.

In a previous blog post called Sober Curious, I wrote about my curiosity with living a life of sobriety.  The perception and possibly misconception would be that there is a use disorder, abuse or dependency here that was in need of being addressed in a way that required strict abstinence in lieu of any “balance” that could be had.  A pendulum existing in polarity only.  That is incorrect in all respects.  There were times in the distant past in which I would indulge, but never to excess or to the detriment of vital resources.  

I lie.  I can say with absolute certainty that that is untrue, as I am in poverty at the moment and my “balance” still seems to necessitate narcotics.  I aged the most when I was completely sober.  Body, mind and soul.  I believe that my eco-system needs the release of control that can only be induced by imposed altered states.  And while I relegate any normalized use to predominantly plant medicine,  I still enjoy the occasional synthetic substance to discover new depths of “innerstanding”.  

The reason why I think it is worthy of note here in Blog form, is that I know that I am not the only one.  I also know that any shame attached to this subject matter is largely due to societal taboos and the thinking that there is causation vs correlation with respect to my persistent poverty, after all, that would be Occam’s Razor at work and a flow of logic -  given my level of intellectual competence, accomplishments and even present failures as far as life experience - many of them recent, in my most sober performance of self. 

I am not a victim to my own circumstances, but I am a single mother in a cruel and unforgiving economy and capitalist societal structure which demands absolute compliance and a martyr level willingness to slave in construction of its pyramid scheme.  It is hard to hold a consistent space for myself to heal in an environment that threatens that process and continues to retraumatize in ways that leave me arrested in a way that hinders my development past that.  

Therein lies the key component in keeping a society divided socio-economically.  Those in poverty are crushed under the weight of their own inability to thrive systemically all the while shouldering the expectation to do so while fighting to satisfy their most basic needs (food, shelter, clothing, etc). Even those of us that are educated are not exempt from the fray.  Education is useless without meaningful and “gainful” application.  And while I have the skills and tools necessary to thrive, the key is useless without the lock, and vice versa.  

There are restrictions that are placed on me as the head of house to a child and pets.  There are also restrictions given disabilities that I have (largely trauma based).  These are not excuses, they are very real and present reasons for my inability to have consistent performance in personal and professional spaces; substances aside.  As I have said before, I have had prolonged sobriety of many years or more, and the only difference is that without it, I experimented with exercise and food as “altered” states, getting to know my body in ways that were subtle, nuanced but not any less ritualistic or dependent.  In fact, probably more so. 

I have never woken up after a therapeutic dose of MDMA with quinoa in my hair or the pervasive fine dust of nutritional yeast in the various layers of my bedding, like sand in a swimsuit.  Grainy and impossible to be rid of; those remnants of late night binge eating after a track run or an intense bike ride are some of my most shameful.  The cost of an ounce of weed to a wedge of Manchego is comparable and hits the same on the "dopamine meter", despite the fact that one is covered by food stamps and the other is not.  

I never exercised to balance the amount I consumed, but the reverse - as my appetite demanded more and more calories based on my ever increasing fitness performance corresponding to consistency with level of effort.  Regardless, I say this to say that I do not know what the rules are in the system.  Any system, and any corresponding rules, for that matter. I am utterly clueless.  My inability to comprehend lies in my inability to track trending social cues, not in underlying malignancy or narcissism.

Although I may appear anti-social at times, it is out of sheer ignorance and the very fact that this system is set up to judge first and find compassion, understanding and even relatability much later - a fact that I find morally debilitating and overly condemning. I want to throw my hands up and say "fuck it". I will just do what I want unless explicitly stated otherwise (and bearing sound rationale), or unless operated on by an unavoidable outside force. Besides, let us not forgot why these systems were created and for whom.  A point of great frustration for me; perhaps even fury.  

“The Man'' finds a way to insert himself in between us and our abilities to govern ourselves and be sovereign beings.  We must submit to his cure by way of Big Pharma, his values by way of material wealth, his validation of our existence by the buying and selling of our data and privacy; all the while leaving us exposed to parasitic targeted capitalistic narcissism - breeding endless wars, human trafficking and governement corruption.  We are disordered, dysregulated and dysfunctional as a society; and we know it. How dare anyone look through my curtain at what I do in the privacy of my own home and then judge me as "wanting". My body is my temple and my home is my sanctuary, and vice versa. Allowing people the ability to guru themselves in whatever way they choose, I consider a religious right. It is constitutional.

Finding God within and without is a symbiotic process in which you must agree to "guru yourself", finding the truth in all things and holding onto that truth like water.  Vital and yet, somehow fragile.  Give gratitude to the God without, and grace to the God within, I say - in whatever manner we must find, cultivate or commune with them.  Why is performing a ‘Sovereign Self’ only the privilege of the elite?

Why must there be a standard of wealth, privilege and/or authority accumulated to be awarded freedom.  The freedom that affords one privacy and with it basic decency and the ability to truly get to know oneself in all facets.  The freedom of free will.  The freedom that does not demand that “equity” entail caveats in terms of lifestyle choice and where and how an individual finds balance and peace within that society.  I consider this racist, gendered, ableist and possibly nationalistic (dependent on perspective, etc).  Many would simply disagree and say that sobriety for all is objectively better.  I get this completely.  And even while knowing that “Comparison is the thief of Joy”, I see how this plays out systematically and how there is a double standard for marginalized communities of color.  

I think we in communities of color sometimes hold each other to a higher standard as well knowing that there is a critical eye on what we do with respect to any restitution or equitable accommodation “given” to us.  Why?  What has ever happened when the Masters have demanded that we police each other for “the greater good”, and for our own protection and benefit??  If we revolt, who do we revolt against if not our brothers, sisters and neighbors; or worse ourselves??  Probably the worst betrayal of all.

This post is my revolt against any shame for knowing that I am not yet at a place where full sobriety is a part of my “diet”; existing with no pendulous swing at its root other than sheer curiosity of self and balance therein.  Sobriety might never be palatable for me and I must allow that to also be in the realm of possibility.  I will not overburden myself with thoughts of a “future failure” as there are enough present ones to contend with and perhaps instead of failure, I will just go ahead and make it a "promise" to myself that I am willing to break.  For now, I will relish the small victories, such as having braved a controversial truth on a public platform.  #nofilter